I’m only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

When a dog gave birth on the side of the road, she was cited for littering.

I heard Rick Astley is so nice that he will let you borrow any DVD from his Pixar collection, apart from one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban to the zoo.

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later, or in a while.

The first time I got a universal remote, I thought, “well this changes everything”.

You should never trust an atom because they make up everything.

Two boulders got married but divorced a short time later. He claims she took him for granite.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery

A four-foot-tall fortuneteller escaped from prison. Police are still looking for the small medium at large.